Comments on: Chapter 2: Put your strength at the beginning and the end http://patmillerbooks.com/blog/chapter-2-put-your-strength-at-the-beginning-and-the-end.htm pat miller's meeting place for writers, librarians, and lovers of books Tue, 06 Jan 2009 10:43:57 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.0.2 by: Pat http://patmillerbooks.com/blog/chapter-2-put-your-strength-at-the-beginning-and-the-end.htm#comment-3643 Tue, 04 Mar 2008 03:47:42 +0000 http://patmillerbooks.com/blog/chapter-2-put-your-strength-at-the-beginning-and-the-end.htm#comment-3643 It's amazing--your changed sentences are so much better--simply by rearranging the word order. It seems a bit like magic. Today I was asked to rewrite a grant proposal at school. By changing the voice to active, the strong words to the end of many of the sentences, and following Orwell's rules for clarity, I was able to eliminate an entire page of the 4-page application and make the grant sound more immediate, more passionate, and more fundable (I hope!). It’s amazing–your changed sentences are so much better–simply by rearranging the word order. It seems a bit like magic. Today I was asked to rewrite a grant proposal at school. By changing the voice to active, the strong words to the end of many of the sentences, and following Orwell’s rules for clarity, I was able to eliminate an entire page of the 4-page application and make the grant sound more immediate, more passionate, and more fundable (I hope!).

]]> by: lynne http://patmillerbooks.com/blog/chapter-2-put-your-strength-at-the-beginning-and-the-end.htm#comment-3632 Mon, 03 Mar 2008 16:13:50 +0000 http://patmillerbooks.com/blog/chapter-2-put-your-strength-at-the-beginning-and-the-end.htm#comment-3632 To get a different example, I looked at MLK's "I've Been to the Mountaintop" speech, and found many sentences that have the strongest words at the end: "We are determined to be men. We are determined to be people." "For when people get caught up with that which is right and they are willing to sacrifice for it, there is no stopping point short of victory." "We've got some difficult days ahead. But it really doesn't matter with me now, because I've been to the mountaintop." I noticed after reading about this tool that my own first chapter didn't end very strongly; after the main character asks his mother if his sister will be all right, she answers, "I don't know. Just pray that she will. That's all we can do right now." I think it will have a stronger ending if I revise it to something more like, "All we can do now is pray." An earlier sentence in the chapter says, "The lamplight showed the spots of red that covered her face and hands." It's the "spots of red" that are so alarming, so I need to end the sentence with that-- "The lamplight showed her face and hands covered with spots of red." Later, during a pretty exciting scene that involves getting chased by a herd of elephants, I found that I'm ending a lot of sentences with prepositions and pronouns, like, "...crashing into a tree in front of them," "...the stampede closing in on them," etc. Now I want to rework those sentences so I'm ending more of them with the more exciting words like "stampede," "crash," or "chase." To get a different example, I looked at MLK’s “I’ve Been to the Mountaintop” speech, and found many sentences that have the strongest words at the end:
“We are determined to be men. We are determined to be people.”
“For when people get caught up with that which is right and they are willing to sacrifice for it, there is no stopping point short of victory.”
“We’ve got some difficult days ahead. But it really doesn’t matter with me now, because I’ve been to the mountaintop.”

I noticed after reading about this tool that my own first chapter didn’t end very strongly; after the main character asks his mother if his sister will be all right, she answers, “I don’t know. Just pray that she will. That’s all we can do right now.” I think it will have a stronger ending if I revise it to something more like, “All we can do now is pray.” An earlier sentence in the chapter says, “The lamplight showed the spots of red that covered her face and hands.” It’s the “spots of red” that are so alarming, so I need to end the sentence with that– “The lamplight showed her face and hands covered with spots of red.” Later, during a pretty exciting scene that involves getting chased by a herd of elephants, I found that I’m ending a lot of sentences with prepositions and pronouns, like, “…crashing into a tree in front of them,” “…the stampede closing in on them,” etc. Now I want to rework those sentences so I’m ending more of them with the more exciting words like “stampede,” “crash,” or “chase.”

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